A Return to the Past, Forward to the Future: A Love Story

2008-06-29T17:04:00.082-04:00

Hey there folks! Welcome to the new live weblog of Bride and Prejudice – the only radio show that has all the marital news, gossip, match-ups, courtships, and wedding coverage to slake your romantic thirsts! Now you can catch us on the air or online – all live, all the time! I haven’t even gotten around to mentioning that my salary just went up because of the extra hours I have to put in. Gotta love the 21st century!Brought to you by Bumba (that's me)!

As Bride and Prejudice’s Courtship Manager, it’s my privilege to bring you an extra special opening show – the coverage of the wedding of my good friend Sarah Medler to Ryan Carmichael Tiren. If those names sound familiar, it’s because you watched way too much Whose Bride Is She Anyway? – the hit reality wedding show that imploded last Fall due to internal political struggles among the show’s producers. Sarah is the sister of Ruth Goodling, who married Alex in the show’s grand finale. And you may remember Ryan as “Matchmeister Ryan” – the show’s love-to-hate-and-love-again host who provided commentary that was – while somewhat less sophisticated and poignant as my own – still witty and memorable.

Sarah and Ryan - another successful case of courtship management by yours truly.

Naturally when I got the invitation to join Sarah’s choice team of bridesmaids, I did my hair, hired a camera crew, and hopped on a plane down to Suburbville, Maryland. I was heading into unknown territory, possibly to share tables with celebrity figures like the studly guys and vivacious ladies of Whose Bride fame. What would await me there? Well … you’ll just have to read on. You’ll find the highlights of the wedding, plus revealing commentary by me of course.

Team Bridesmaids - aka Team Cute!

The story, naturally, begins before the wedding. Long before actually. Right after Whose Bride had ended miserably, Ryan spent his days sighing loudly, wallowing in self-pity and glory days long gone by. It was an extra lamentable time since he’d just found himself falling for Sarah but didn’t know what to say, or even when, or how (which is like what).

That’s when his post-show friend, Sean “Mayo” Mayonnaise took him under his wing and trained him hard for the long fought battle of wills and emotions ahead.
“Go for the prize!” Sean would chant, “Keep it together man!”

But all that training was worth it. For Ryan did indeed bring home the prize!

The award was presented by Andrew "Ace Luvya" Leyva (shown here as actual size).

And after Ryan finished celebrating the Hollow Creek Golf club prize, it was time to win Sarah's heart...

Which he did!

But the true trial was just beginning. For our two beloved teenage mutant ninja turtle doves still had to brave the challenge of ... the ceremony! Would Sarah trip and fall down the aisle? Would Ryan's face explode into a fine red mist from the anxiety? What would the critical engaged and married couples think of the wedding? Will the hot singles there ever find true romance? And where the heck am I in all of this? Guess we'll just have to skip ahead a couple months to...

The Wedding

June 22 couldn't arrive fast enough for Sarah and Ryan. As planned, Team Cute arrived right on time and in style!
Sarah - in bridal attire - waved to the cameras and premium-paying guests. Miss America would be jealous.

But where were the guys?

Apparently Ryan and his team of groomsmen went for a joyride and lost track of time posing for pictures and basking in their own self-described hotness.

And there was the problem of having no AC on such a hot day. Fortunately Ace Luvya found a way to solve that problem when the other guys weren't looking.
"Don't worry, boss," Ace told Ryan, "I'll keep you cool."
"Kiss me, and you die," said Ryan.

During a rather emotional moment, Ryan turned to his soon-to-be brother-in-law Alex. "You know," he said. "For the longest time I've been meaning to ask you ... do you even know where we're going?"
"Why?" asked Alex. "Is something going on today?"

"Great Scott!" Ryan shouted. "Quickly men! To my wedding!"

"Um ... guys ... I suddenly remembered that I get really carsick when we're driving fast," Ace informed the group. Sean looked on with concern, but the concern was for his rental tux.

David, Ryan's (present) bro-in-law, let out a fervent prayer: "Please God! Help us find our way to the wedding at warp speed and vomit-free! And in time for dinner!"
Alex, Ryan's (real) brother, easily the youngest and most mature of the group, laughed. "You said 'warp'" he chuckled.

In the meantime...
We did our best to live up to our name and put on our happy faces while waiting for Ryan and his band of lost boys. I think I was the only one succeeding...

David's prayer must have worked, because somehow they made it to the wedding.

Back in the men's dressing room, Ryan's Best Men - Sean and Alex - took some time to give him the marriage "talk" and prepare him for the future.
"Remember," Alex was saying, "shave everyday, chew with your mouth closed, oh - and don't forget to lift the lid."
He took it about as well as could be expected.

"Uh ... guys, why don't you go ahead. Just come back and tell me when it's all over."

Yes, Ryan had a case of the wedding jitters. And he had it bad. His groomsmen begged and pleaded and even talked trash, but nothing short of physical violence could move Ryan from the room.

"Did someone order a wedding?" came a voice out of nowhere. And suddenly two finely dressed saviors burst into the dressing room, a Hallelujah chorus of angels singing in their wake.
Yes, it was Top Groom Contender and Bachelor of 2006 (respectively) Kurt R. West and Nick "Nicotine" Tabasco of Whose Bride acclaim! After the show's demise, the two started their own business - Ushering-in-Sweet-Happiness-for-Eternity Rentals (also known simply as U.S.H.E.R.) - doing what they do best ... making weddings happen!

"Look at you," Kurt said. "How could you even think about calling off your wedding. I'm the one who convinced you to do it in the first place."
"Wait ... that was you?"

"Yeah, come on," said Nick, "I sunburned my face so I could look just like you on your big day. Was that all for nothing?"

Before Ryan could answer, they called in their elite team, consisting of German Beer baron Ryan Holtzinger and Jason West, Kurt's younger brother and protege.
"Okay men, here's the plan," said Nicotine, easily the most intimidating in his pink shirt. "We'll form a protective circle around Ryan. If any bullets start flying, we'll be there to take them!"
"Um..." said Kurt. "I don't remember reading that part in the program."

Being both red and Ryan (and married), Ryan H. pulled Ryan C. T. aside.
"Look," he said. "If things get too hot out there, I'll fill in as your double. I'm sure Sarah won't mind. I just hope Stefie doesn't kill me."

With his confidence restored, Ryan Carmichael resolved to go out there and get his girl. A cheer erupted.

Before stepping out, Bro-in-law Dave had one last piece of counsel to share: "Listen, no matter what happens out there ... don't hurl."

"Okay, let's get this show on the road," said Nick, now joined by Philippine poster-child Zeus Paredes. "We're still out here and we're hot as Hechingers!" It wasn't clear if Nick was referring to wearing three layers in the humidity or their collective attractiveness. Or both.

Nick was once tempted to abandon his post when someone mentioned the free french toast breakfast special at Denny's.
Fortunately for all involved (including Denny's), he was restrained.

"Step into the Ring of Matrimony," boomed Godfather Don Gary Ricucci, who was officiating the wedding. "Don't worry, it's only the Ring of Death on Tuesdays."
While Ryan waited anxiously, the Don tried his best to comfort Ryan: "technically only one in five brides leave their grooms at the altar," he said. "Since there's no altar here, your chances are probably good. Or terrible."

Tensions mounted. Would she show? Did she get tired of waiting? Impatient anxiousness showed on the groomsmen's faces.
Mostly their faces said "hurry up and get here Sarah! We're hot, hungry, and we haven't even had a chance to go to the bathroom."

Here comes the bride! And just in time too. "Sorry, I fell asleep waiting," she explained. Upon seeing his beautiful bride, Ryan let out a squeal and passed out, but was quickly revived.

Fortunately for both Ryan and Sarah, I was right there overseeing everything. What could go wrong?(Answer: nothing!)

Finally, the moment they had both been waiting for - the moment that Ryan had watched many movies and taken many notes for - the BIG KISS
"Um ... thanks for your enthusiasm kids," Don Gary interrupted. "But I still have a while to go before I get to the 'you may kiss the bride' part..."

But when it was over, the two walked out of the Ring of Matrimony, Man and Wife!
Ryan let out a shout: "I am the MAN!!!"

Dave was looking for his wife Casey, and Ace was off in Happy Land. It's a good thing I was there to escort them.

This is my momentous sigh of relief. I was so glad everything worked out - you have no idea how many hours of courtship counseling that couple took...

"Wow," thought Ace, trying to look over everyone's shoulders. "Sure wish it would happen to me."

Then it was time for the eternity-long photoshoots.
"Yo camera guy, make sure you get my good side," demanded Ryan, never truly losing his Matchmeister role.

That is one huge family that just got a little bigger...

Alex and Ruth looked happy to have Ryan in the family too.
Why does this picture look so familiar? Oh that's right - it's because I was Alex's shoulder angel throughout the whole time I acted as their courtship counselor. Man was that a project!

Anyway, while the new Mr. and Mrs. were out getting every possible picture of them taken, it was time to explore the other people and personalities at the wedding.

"Before we take anymore pictures, would someone please get Ruth a breath mint!" said Bridesmaid Besilica, heiress of the Reaves family fortune.

With a godlike name like Zeus, who could resist? The answer is, definitely not lucky Allie Noske!

And on the subject of togetherness, do you remember Ace's secret crush back in the grand finale episode of Whose Bride? Yeah, me neither...
Anyway, it's official! Kim and Ace (gasp!)!

It's no surprise to me though...
...since I'm their courtship manager as well. And Ace needed a lot of work. You might have noticed I have a good track record though.

Unfortunately, I came to Maryland at a bad time, because something happened that made the water undrinkable. If you did drink it, it made you do crazy things.
Like I said - the water.

"Um hello? That's why you're only supposed to drink purified bottled water," said an irritated Besilica. We got along much better as the night went on. It was probably just an empty stomach that put her in a bad mood.

Alex was too eager to emphasize that point.
"Can we go home now?" he whined. "I haven't eaten in like 3 hours..."

But Alex and Besilica's point was well taken. It was now dinner time, and we were starving. We went into the reception area without much prodding, leaving the Bride and Groom by themselves with the photographer for the moment.

"What do you mean I'm not smiling? Of course I'm smiling. Who hired you anyway?" Ryan demanded.
"Um, we did. Remember?" said Sarah.

Inside, the reception was packed full of former Whose Bride celebrities! The only time I was surrounded by this much fame, fortune, and hot air is when I got trapped at Narcissists Anonymous last year.

Among the who's who were...
The first TV celebrity couple: Don Gary's daughter Kelley with hubby Josh Murphy. They're pregnant with their second by the way!

And...
Dave Somerville, now reunited with wife Casey, also sister of the groom. They've still got the smiles!

Then there's that crazy couple that's all over the internet: Jenn Mutimer and self-proclaimed International Bachelor Superstar J. Ricky Alcantar ... now engaged!

And of course there were the Holtzingers, who supplied the ... er ... spirit of the party.

But don't forget the power couple of the evening: the Bride and Groom!They are so cute! And have you ever seen grumpy Matchmeister Ryan smile like that? I'm just going to take this moment to pat myself on the back. Well done Bumba! Why thank you Bumba!

Whose Bride Champion and "godfather" title-holder Andree Kless, closed in for a picture with Ricky and Alex.
"It's just like old times guys!" said Andree. "But we don't have to act like we're cool anymore!" Ricky and Alex turned to stare at him.

Nick and Rhea demonstrate that pink is still a primary wedding color.

In the meantime, Ricky and Jenn were having another one of their quasi-conflicts...
"Gah! I can't believe you forgot to wear a tie when you're supposed to announce the bride and groom!" Jenn fretted. "You definitely need me to dress you."

Yet mysteriously, when the time came for Ricky to announce the wedding party in his Darth Vader-like voice, he was seen wearing ... a tie!?

Coincidentally, Kurt was seen at the same time wearing a completely different tie than what he had come in with.
Where did his napkin go anyway?

The two incidents might have been related, especially considering this picture taken of Kurt and Ricky sneaking out two minutes before the announcements.
And yet, after the party arrived, Kurt's tie reappeared and Ricky's vanished. So mysterious...

A few minutes into dinner, members of one table began lip-syncing songs into their spoons - a cheap trick to get the camera's attention, no doubt picked up on Whose Bride is She Anyway?

It wasn't the singing that concerned me though.
It was where the spoons had been before they were used for dinner that had me worried...

If Rhea and Kurt were smiling at you, it's because you forgot to give them a present for Pacific Asian American Heritage Month in May. You still owe them, and they're out to collect...

As the reception went on, Ace reveled in his newfound powers to make the Bride and Groom do what he wanted.
"Kiss!" Ace commanded, standing on his tippy-toes. "Kiss! KISS!"

Although we had met briefly at Narcissists Anonymous last year, the wedding gave me a chance to get to know one of Whose Bride's former big-name contenders - Kurt West.
At first I couldn't understand how the show could have ended without him being crowned the next champion in marriage. I found him to be quite witty and charming, if a bit self-absorbed.

After a while though, it became apparent that he was a constant violator of Relationship Rule #47
Relationship Rule #47: "Always put your best face forward."

I was flattered though to be invited to hang out with the West bros.
Mostly, I think it was the other way around.

Of course, being a courtship manager means that my job is never truly finished. And this goes doubly for weddings, when the air is thick with romance, expectations, etc.

During the reception I found myself giving spontaneous mini-seminars on...

Conflict Resolution and Reconciliation in Six Short Steps for Short People

...and Bringing Cultural Diversity to the Relationship Part III: Worlds Together, Not Apart.

There were my own relational conflicts that needed resolving too, especially with my friend Ruth.
We never quite saw eye-to-eye or nose-to-nose on certain vital wedding issues, such as the decorations, Sarah's hair, or what you would call the flavor of the cake (what exactly is Frankenberry anyway?).

But at the end of the day, we became better friends for it.

"Even though the show's over, I still believe in you," Andree told Kurt in confidence. "You can still be the next in line to get married."

The wedding got increasingly more interesting as the Bride and Groom had more to drink.

But one of the highlights - if not THE highlight - of the evening was the Thriller Dance that I had taught the wedding party in just a few short minutes.

I don't mean to brag but ... it was pretty awesome.

"Dude!" said a stunned Ricky. "I'm definitely going to have THAT in my wedding."
"Oh really?" said Jenn. "You must be referring to a different wedding than the one we had talked about."

Near the end of the night, Kurt pulled me aside and said he had a proposal for me. I was maybe just a little nervous.
"So ... um ... I was thinking about it and was wondering ... I mean if you'd consider... What I'm trying to say is... Will you be my courtship manager?"
I told him I'd have to pray about it.

The night ended with Ryan and Sarah sharing one last dance before leaving the country for their extended honeymoon.
And one can only wonder ... when former Matchmeister Ryan looked into his bride's eyes that evening, did all of his cynicism and sarcastic remarks about romance and true love melt away? Did he finally, finally understand the joys of marriage that he had watched so many before strive for and sacrifice for? Did he see the happily ever after that awaited him, see that his prize wasn't just a TV gimmick or a competitive title, it was right in front of him? I think the answer is a resounding "heck yes!"

And thus did Ryan and Sarah Tiren's wedding conclude, another happy ending to a fairy tale that would continue far beyond the wedding.
And to think that it was all possible because of me!

... and Kurt. He wants to take some credit too.

Next Time on Bride and Prejudice:

... a glimpse into Ryan and Sarah's future (kids! Lots of them!).

... I give Kurt my answer (mostly I just laugh at him).

... and could these three now be related? Newly discovered branches of a family tree plus too many marriages reveal the shocking truth!

Remember to tune in next time to Bride and Prejudice Radio, WEDD 77.7 FM to catch all the news, rumors, and gossip on these stories and more!

Signing off,
<3 Bumba

Pardon our dust!

2008-06-28T11:20:00.000-04:00

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